Gender disappointment is real. And that’s okay.

Can we talk about something? Gender disappointment. It’s real you guys and I think it would be even harder for me to hide the fact that it’s exactly what my husband and I are feeling. I did not want to post a beautiful and exciting reveal without mentioning the details. It wouldn’t have been honest.

PSA: We are grateful for this baby and they will be so loved! We know that God has chosen us specifically to be the parents of this child and we trust His plan. I understand that some may be upset with me for this post because you know “at least I can have children”. These are just my honest feelings and if you can’t handle that please keep scrolling.

November 2016— God placed it on my heart to have a child for many months. So, we tried for almost a year to get pregnant and finally succeeded! I originally wanted a girl, but in my heart I just knew that I was having a boy even before our reveal. So, we talked about eventually having a little girl with her big brother protecting her. I loved that idea. I was so ready for Kyle to experience that!

August 1st, 2017— I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy. But, my body was broken. While in the hospital, I had staff members come in and tell me that I needed to get up and walk up and down the hallway to help with the healing process. That most women could do this. But, I could not move from my hospital bed. I could not walk. I felt like a failure. When we got home the pain didn’t stop so, of course, I googled. “Diastasis Recti” is what appeared on my screen. I’d never heard of this and I was shocked. My abdomen had been completely ripped open. I had no core support. My organs were now exposed and I could literally see my intestines moving directly underneath my skin. I had digestive issues. I was traumatized. (By the way, a tummy tuck is the only way to fix something like this which has been deemed as not “medically necessary”. Not covered by insurance. But, that’s a post for a different day.) I had also developed an umbilical hernia. Let’s just say I was okay with Kyle being an only child and I quickly pushed my dreams of having a daughter out of the window.

July 23rd, 2019— We found out we would become parents again! It was not planned. We were both surprised and excited to start thinking about the possibility of having a little girl. Everyone was convinced we were having a girl. With all of my sweet cravings, nausea, and other symptoms my husband and I were convinced too. Last week, I was also diagnosed with placenta previa. In my eyes, this was just another way that my body had failed me, but we were (still are) determined to get through this pregnancy without any major complications!

Yesterday, November 3rd, 2019— My husband and I just knew in our hearts that we would be having the little girl we’ve always dreamed of. Then we cut or gender reveal cake and we were shocked. Confused. Then we get the comments: “At least you don’t have to pay for a wedding or prom dresses. Boys are better anyways. Good thing you already have boy clothes. Do you have a name? Here are the names we like.....” These comments hurt. It’s okay that we wanted a daughter. There’s absolutely no price tag on getting to experience helping your daughter with prom, a wedding, dealing with teenage hormones, or breakups. It was our dream. Our daughter had a name... a face. We fell in love with her. We saw her in our dreams. I had everything for her room saved in a shopping cart down to the very last stuffed animal that would be in her crib. My husband dreamed of walking his little girl down the aisle.

For the future— will we have more kids? We don’t know. My body has been hurting for awhile now. I’m physically exhausted. My husband and I never dreamed of having more than two children. Are we grieving the idea of possibly never having a daughter? Absolutely. Do we have a name for our second son? No. Do I feel guilty for feeling this way? Yes. Do I feel disconnected to my unborn son? Yes. Will the Lord heal our hearts? YES.

God heals the hurting. I’m holding on to the fact that God knows what’s best for me, for us. I know that my heart will be whole again when I see this beautiful baby boy’s face. I will have another miniature Keenan and that’s a blessings in itself! I just wanted to let any one else that has had a similar experience know that it’s okay to feel this way. You are not struggling with these emotions alone. I’m here. I see you. God has a plan. 🧡

We cannot wait to see your face baby Wilson #2! Mommy and daddy love you so much.

Photography: McDuff Photography